The Poo-Nami

Diaper Loading please waitAh, the Poo-Nami.

In an ideal world, baby poop would come packaged up in neat little pellets that were easy to contain, easy to clean up and smelled like freshly baked cookies or something equally pleasant.

The reality, however, is somewhat different.

Well, O.K, it’s nowhere near the same.

As a new parent, when you have to change your first-ever Poo-Nami (also known as a Blow-Out) diaper, you might still be in the “cutesy” phase parenthood. Everything is still bright and shiny and new, and you have the cutest little baby who makes the cutest little sounds and the cutest little messes. When your little poop machine makes their first giant mess in their teeny-weeny little diaper… and pants… and shirt… and possibly their hair, you may even be the sort of parents who take pictures and post them online.

If you’re that kind of parent… seriously, what the hell’s the matter with you?

You may find yourself leaning over your baby, holding your nose, and saying things like: “Who’s the cutest little poopy pants in the whole world?”

Personally, I was the kind of new parent who held my breath while hosing the baby off in the shower, wondering how in the hell it was possible for so much nastiness to fit into such an adorable little body.

The experience loses whatever charm it had, believe me, and pretty quickly too. Those things aren’t cute. It won’t be long before you go from thinking your baby’s messes are adorable to browsing E-bay for the cheapest gas mask that you can find.

I think I should mention here that babies often have creative ways of “sharing the wealth”, by which I really mean “spreading the poop”.

Babies are creative. They will reach into their diapers and pull the mess out. They will pull off their diapers and butt-scoot across the floor. They may even decorate the walls with it. Out of all those creative ways to drive you to drink just with the contents of their diaper the Jolly Jumper is, in my opinion, the nastiest.

“But the Jolly Jumper keeps my little dude happy!” I hear you protest. “When he’s in the Jolly Jumper, I can get things accomplished!”

Indeed, you can accomplish things when your Mini Me is happily bouncing away, but that little bit of freedom can come with a price.

Now, a regular old Poo-Nami that goes up their front and back, down their legs and into their hair (and all over whatever they are wearing) is one thing. Having your baby in the Jolly Jumper when a Poo-Nami strikes gives the story a whole new twist.

Picture a poop sprinkler and you’ll have the right idea.

The Poo-Nami is one of those many little things that no parent on earth ever tells an expecting parent. I’m pretty sure there’s a good reason for that, but I’m inclined to think it’s because they don’t want you to give up your baby for adoption. It’s one of those things that will make you question your life choices, but you probably won’t hear about it until you have the unspeakable joy of experiencing it for yourself.

Then, they give you a knowing look, a pat on the back, and possibly a bottle of wine before you dissolve into fits of sobbing on their shoulder.

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